This chilly morning with the darkness still covering the world outside I am feeling so filled with love my heart aches.
Over the last few days Julianna’s runny allergy nose slowly has become more of a cold and she has been her silly self in moments and then the next a not so happy - needy tired girl. Last night after going down for bed we could hear her battling the coughing attacks without the monitor on from upstairs. My poor girl was clearly not going to get a good night’s rest.
I went to bed expecting a rough night for us - I was concerned about how she would do through the night and what I could do to comfort her. Being now 34 weeks pregnant this belly of mine is not so small any more and causes normal discomfort when it is just me sitting in a chair -- let alone trying holding and comfort my little one. Everytime she coughed my eyes would open and my arms ached to just pick her up and snuggle her in the rocking chair of her room so she could maybe get some rest.
But I was worried about the way she likes to be held and rocked ….that it would not be comfortable for her with a rolling and kicking baby belly, that the positioning would be squishing the baby in some way, or causing some issue I would not be able to feel or notice, or would be very cumbersome and hard on my back.
All I wanted to do was give her comfort and rest so she could be better and be her Mom-Mom who shows up to sooth her when she needs me and is not feeling well. But I was conflicted would it actually help her or cause her more frustration? I was also feeling a bit of fear and ache for the Mom-Mom I used to be to her the one that without hesitation would get up and comfort her if she need me - let her sleep on me in that sometimes cozy chair and realizing that with this little baby two arriving sooner and sooner my time, my arms, my attention is going to be conflicted, split and not always available to her right when she needs me.
So after getting up several times giving her water to soothe her cough and tucking her back into bed. I went in and instead of tucking her in asked if she wanted me to hold her in the chair and try and sleep … she said wiping her sleepy eyes “yea Mom-Mom me you chair night-night.”
I scooped her up and in three short steps we settled into the chair she wiggled some to get comfortable but I felt the weight of her little body fall into mine with a sigh … as though she was saying thank you.”
I held and rocked her thinking about all the times I have done the same before; how big she felt in my arms and yet how small she still is and how much she is growing every day; how big she will be one day; how I hope she still needs her Mom-Mom as she grows; but mostly I was grateful for the chance to just hold her and be what she needed in that moment.
We rocked and dozed on and off for almost two hours and she nuzzled in closer after she would cough and I stroke her hair off her face.
Soaking up every second.
I hope and pray I never forget this early morning's snuggles, that I find space and time for them more as the final countdown for baby two continues, and that even after our family receives this new little one - that moments are still carved out just for us.
Waking up this morning over a cup of coffee I am filled with grattitude for the gift I was given already today and for the very real tangible reminder of what matters most in this world.
Julianna Rose made me a Mom and much of that growth has occurred in the wee-hours of the night just the two of us in her rocking chair.